How Do You Do It?
  Written By Raven

When I entered the adult industry, I was just coming off of a three year hiatus from my former mainstream profession. I had plenty of time on my hands. My child was grown and it was just Tev and me. Taking care of Tev is, most definitely, a full time job, as all husbands are. The reverse is also true.

My question and wonderment revolve around those who work full time jobs outside the home, take care of the children and still manage to find time to work their sites, post on boards, and go to conferences.

I was at a local Seattle party a few weeks ago and a friend of mine, who had recently had a baby, was present. It was so good to see her and to see her looking so well. Her husband was home with the baby and she wasn't there very long; yet, she took the time to show up and see her buds. How does one balance the offline with the on? There are things we don't want our children to see, depending on their ages. Yet, I've read on boards where webmasters have multiple children and still manage to work full time on their Internet empires.

I've heard about the problems with time scheduling. One woman I know, whose husband works a day job and she stays home with the kids, says her only time she has is after the kids go to bed. Sometimes, her kids don't get to sleep until well after eleven p.m. That's when she goes to work. She's already put in a full day, from child care to housework to cooking to running errands. Still, once those kids are asleep, she's hunkered down and building sites. I find this to be incredible and awesome, all at the same time.

When I dig deeply into my own psyche, I question my ability to do all of what my peers do, if my circumstances were similar to theirs. My child is no longer a child. I don't worry about what he will see or hear; but, little ears hear things they are not meant to hear, so conversation is often a code like communication. Once the child learns to spell means becoming more creative with acronyms and buzz words, which the other understands; but, hopefully, the children don't have a clue.

Tell me how you do it. Where do you find the energy? From what pit in your gut do you get the drive to work in an industry, fraught with dangers and scumbags, cheaters and frauds. There's coding to learn and design and marketing and advertising. The research alone is so very time consuming. Keeping your stuff hidden, away from prying eyes, can be a full time endeavour.

What about those webmasters whose extended families do not know from where the money is coming? How do you keep it a secret? I'm not against omitting the truth from those who wouldn't understand or agree. There are so many people out there who believe this porn stuff is evil, the tool of the devil. Morally, we are considered corrupt and undeliverable to Heaven. Adding to an already stressful life on the web, is the knowledge that the extended family will certainly sit in judgment, possibly even cut ties. Certainly, it's not out of the realm of possibility; and, in many cases, well within the realm of probability, were the choice of working the adult side of the street to become known.

Another scenario, which comes to mind, is an even greater source of wonder for me. There are girlfriends and wives who do not approve of what their significant others do for a living. Even if there is approval, there are complaints about the amount of time needed to devote to the online business. We webmasters do spend an inordinate amount of time on our computers. We don't sleep regularly or eat regularly. We travel a lot and our friends' names are strange sounding to mainstream ears. It's hard to talk about our professions with pride to the ones who aren't involved. What does one say? "Hey, Sally. My husband just built a million dollar web porn site. Man, is he bringing in the dough." How does the wife/girlfriend/husband/significant other explain the jewelry? The cars? The houses? Let's not forget the fact that whoever is making the money is home. A lot. Many pornographers work from home, which is just one of the many advantages of being in this particular industry.

I've heard from many of my male friends that it's hard to explain about the business angle, that what we do is not about the naked women, especially after the first year or so. It's not a threat to the marriage or relationship. It's purely business. This is not to say that looking at naked bodies, writhing in various sexual positions is not a turn on. Sure, it is. But, the real turn on is the money. That green stuff which buys private schooling for the children, nice houses and cars. That American Dream kind of stuff which is what makes money such a fabulous tool. So many relationships falter and often fail because one is in the biz and the other is not. The hours spent at the computer oftentimes cause a rift in the relationship. The worlds in which these two people live revolve around different time schedules and the language is different. If a server goes down, there will be no movie or restaurant or outing that night. That has got to be hard to take, for the one who is not involved.

How do couples make it in this industry, when one is and one isn't involved?

I ask these questions because this is a lifestyle I don't live. I am married with a grown child and my husband and I are in the same biz. We pretty much work the same hours. Our commonality of language revolves around our work, so we understand each other. There's no code we have to use, unless our nephews are over. We don't have the jealousy or insecurity about the nudity and sexuality, since we both know it's a business. He's not running around, screwing other women, because his office is right down the hall from mine. I know what he's doing twenty four hours a day. He knows what I'm doing, too. We don't face the issues of underage children in the house. Since we do this full time, there is no other day job. This IS the job.

To those with children, I have no solution for you, other than that which you've already come up with. I know you've got many creative methods for working around the kids' presence. I've seen many of you in action.

To those whose significant other is not in this industry, I have this to say. I wish I could gather all those who are not part of this business and reassure most of them. Yes, there are those who get a little close to the flame and begin to live the life. Bodies for sex are readily available to most anyone. I suppose, for some, it's just a little too much to turn down a blow job in the bathroom or in the hallway. What you need to know is this. Not everyone lives the 'lifestyle'. For most of us, this truly is a business, a way to make money. The drugs and freedom of sexuality is not always the path followed. My suggestion would be to accompany your spouse or significant other to one of the conferences. You don't have to be part of this industry to be at the trade shows. This way, you get to see what goes on. I've met some of the wives whose husbands I've known for years. The guys have brought their wives to the shows to show them what goes on, at least for them. There is a lot of silly behaviour often enough. After all, when a webmaster is let out of their cage and offered free booze for several days, there is bound to be some drunkenness. Tupperware ladies and shoe salesmen put our people to shame when they have their meetings. It's a stressful business. Drinking and staying up late is our way of winding down. If a little damage occurs, well, the child in us kind of finds its way out. We work so damned hard all year long. You've really got nothing to worry about. Your lady or man comes home to you. Worry not. And, if he or she is unfaithful, it would have happened anyway.

The profession we choose has little to do with our morality, our loyalty, our professionalism. We do what we do to make the green. If we were going to do drugs and cheat, I admit there are influences and availability, which makes it much easier. Even so, those who would cheat and do massive amounts of drugs would have found a way, regardless of the Industry environment.

So, when your man or woman comes home a little hung over, don't worry. Enjoy the money. Enjoy the lifestyle. Find your own thing to do. Better yet, find a way to be useful in the biz. Even if you don't want to look at porn, there are always organisational needs, those little tiny details which are so important to us.

May the Universe smile down upon all of us and bestow a lot of that green stuff upon our heads.

May every new relationship continue to grow in a healthy way; and, to those of you who are married, may your marriages continue to stay strong.