Vulnerability
  Written By Raven

I want to propose a hypothetical situation. See if this fits anyone you know. Or, perhaps, even yourselves.

In the scenario I'm creating, you are living alone. No children. At least, none that live in your house or apartment. Perhaps there is an ex in the wings; but, for the most part, your only connection to humanity is from your keyboard. The people, with whom you interact, are screen names. Their voices are one-dimensional and typed.

On a day when you're feeling particularly lonely, you give out personal information about yourself. Maybe it's your real name or address. Your phone number. You're thinking the person is trustworthy and real. You've chatted several times. You've been to the radio shows. The camaraderie you share is intimate and the need to connect with another human is seductive. You both engage in innocent flirtations, never crossing any real lines. Photographs are exchanged.

I work in a business that makes me pretty much unsuited for mainstream friendships. There are good reasons for this. I spend a good part of my day on the computer, sometimes up to sixteen hours. I've learned how valuable it is for me to network; so, I spend a fair amount of time in chat rooms and at parties. I have made some wonderful friends, some of whom I have never met and probably never will.

Most of my friends are internet related. Interestingly, I see some people more often online, than I do my own family. I might have a channel open on mIRC while I'm working. I talk to people on the boards almost daily. I am granted a rare privilege, when I am able to take a brief glimpse into someone else's living room. On the boards, people post birthdays, birth announcements, deaths, illness, good news and bad. Relationships are formed. They range from the superficial greeting to intense love affairs.

Attending conferences is beneficial, because it puts faces to names. It completes the picture for me. There are times I have met someone from a chat room who seemed sincere and real. Upon meeting them in person, my instincts screamed "creep". It happens. There are those amongst us webmasters who lead fantasy lives online and they are good at playing the chameleon. Their masks are stripped away, only when we meet up close and personal. At that point, I walk away from the budding relationship and count myself lucky that I did not get very involved.

Many new webmasters do not yet have the good fortune or finances to attend conferences, especially in the first year or two of being in business. Money is tight. Every dime is put back into the fledgling infrastructure. Domains. Hosting. Content. All of their time is spent building and working.

There are some married webmasters, whose spouses are not exactly enamoured with this choice of profession, further shutting off lines of communication and commonality.

We have a tendency to want to be with those who do what we do. Mainstreamers don't get it. They don't understand the hours, the effort, and the tedious tasks. It looks like we are just enthralled with porn. We're obsessed. They don't realise, that, by the time we've done this for a year, naked bodies are just another commodity, just another part of the product. Like selling shoes. Only it's sex and fantasy we peddle. After a period of time, explaining it takes too much time and effort. We stop explaining and retreat further into the world where we ARE understood. Where our bitching and moaning has resonance. Where there are common problems. We trade information about making money. Where to get the best host. The best content. The best whatever. How to build the biggest, baddest website to bring in our first million. We become comfortable with our keyboards and chat rooms. Personally, I get excited when I'm able to go to a trade show or conference. It's a gathering place for 'my' kind of folks. I get real time hugs, instead of typed ones. We are face to face.

And, then, the line is crossed. What seemed to be flattering attention has now turned to obsession. Cyber stalking is very real. There really is no way we can hide. Whenever we buy domains, anyone can do a WHOIS. Laws are being passed to stop the anonymous domain purchases. Suddenly, the friend you think you've made turns into a monster. Someone who is wherever you are. Someone who has made something more out of what you thought was strictly an online friendship. An element of possessiveness creeps into what began innocently enough. Veiled threats are not uncommon. The session where you told some of your secrets now hangs like a thunder cloud over your head. Now, someone else knows things that could expose what you fear. Embarrassment. Humiliation. Looking like an idiot. Your imagination can take on a life of it's own, holding you hostage in a situation you never saw coming. One that frightens you. You neither planned for this nor did you want it. It's an unwelcome intrusion into your already complicated life.

We are all hungry for friends. Some of us are starved for attention. Many of us reach out and embrace this online life and succeed at keeping the internet and our homes separate. Unfortunately, not everyone can or does. The boards are filled with accusations of lies, exposures of people who create dangerous fantasies and try to fool others. Not all, though. There are those who operate under the radar of scrutiny. Their prey fit a profile of vulnerability, of need.

Not all of us are married with children and family. Not all of us are surrounded by friends and lovers. We live in an increasingly isolated world. That might be great for business and it is. It's not necessarily great for emotional health. There are more displaced people, who are far from where they grew up than ever before. There are more single people out there than ever before. They are not all surfers looking for porn. Some become webmasters. Loneliness is not just for our customers. Plenty of webmasters have just gone through a divorce, a separation, a trauma. Some are just plain crazy.

So many of us are quirky and ruggedly individualistic human beings. We come from everywhere and nowhere. Part of what makes the Internet so different is our pasts. Or lack of pasts. We burst upon the scene, wearing only our nicks. There are those who don't want their past known. On the Internet, it really doesn't matter from where you arrived. For the most part, your credibility lies in the present and the future and your abilities. The true test is whether or not you can withstand the first year or two. If you're still standing by the time the newbieness wears off, you can pretty much be accepted by the community.

The question begs to be asked. How does one differentiate between the healthy and the crazy? It is so important to constantly be aware of those around us. There are some nasty folks out there, waiting to pounce on someone who is having a 'lonely' day. We all have them.

I wish there were a way to warn folks. Maybe write a tutourial that tells people how to figure out who is healthy and who is not. Just as there is no one way to build a web site, there is no surefire method of staying safe.

When you're in a chat room and someone says something just a little off-kilter, when you see a post that strikes you as odd, pay attention. Don't shrug it off. The written word is powerful. There are ways of saying things that can and do alert us to those who are not quite what and who they portend to be.

Please be careful out there. On the internet, the danger is subtle. You can't see faces or hear voice inflection. More importantly, you cannot look someone in the eye to see whether or not they are sincere and honest. Nor can you shake hands to make sure the grip is firm. All you have are your instincts and a growing awareness of what words mean and don't mean. Use them. Use them wisely.