A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded "confidentially, me too."

A woman bought two airplane tickets on Southwestern airline; one for her and one for her six-year-old son. This was his very first plane trip.

They were flying along when the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mommy, if big elephants have little elephants, and big dogs have little dogs, do big airplanes have little airplanes?"

Not wanting to get into the subject of sex with her son, the woman was at a loss as to what to tell him. So, she simply instructed him to ask one of the stewardesses.

A little later, the boy grabbed hold of a stewardess who was passing by his seat. "Miss," he said, "If big elephants have little elephants; and big dogs have little dogs, do big airplanes have little airplanes?"

Looking suspiciously at the child's mother, the stewardess said, "I bet she told you to ask me that, didn't she?"

"Yes," the little boy replied, "But do they."

After giving the question a little thought, the stewardess responded, "No, honey, the big airplanes at Southwestern do not have little airplanes, because we always pull out on time."

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears thumping coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I wake up and hear you and Daddy making noises and when I look into your room your bouncing up and down on him."

His mother replies with, "Oh well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that squishes his belly down and makes him thin again.."

The boy replies, "Duh, mom, that won't work because the lady next door just comes over every day and blows him back up.

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and want to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice.

And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "Yes, yes, yes!! I won, I won, I won."

She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

What did one sperm say to the other?

"Last one there gets a rotten egg!"

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day.

Anal sex makes your hole weak.

Who makes more money a drug dealer or a hooker?

A hooker because she can wash her crack and reuse it.

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill" she replies.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door.

"Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!

Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are buck naked.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.

"Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."

Why don't Ken and Barbie have any kids?

Ken comes in a different box.

What did the one boob say to the other boob?

Hey, we better quit sagging or their going to think were nuts!

It's 3am, and a man is driving his brand new BMW M3 down the N1 at 240km/h. He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof with flames all around.

There' s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, and so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death.

The guy reckons " screw it" and rushes to fetch a blanket from the car. He wraps the woman in the blanket and puts her on the back seat of his M3. He then rushes her to the hospital.

For six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donates his blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.

Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, and reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar.

Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door and asks, "What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving you," she says.

"Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."

"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.

"And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere"

"Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too.

"And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."

She looks at him, whips out her tampon and, throwing it at him says, "I'll pay you back in monthly installments, here's the first."

Two elderly men were talking about Viagra. One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for."It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if you took two."

Did you hear about the side-effects of the Viagra pill for men? If you swallow it slowly, you'll get a stiff neck.

What do you get if you mix Viagra and Prozac? - A guy who is ready to go but doesn't really care where.

Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three I minute ride.

A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with the maid."

A Test for the Dirty Mind

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in 'k' and means the same as intercourse?

2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4. What word starts with 'f ' and ends with 'u-c-k'?

5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in ' u-n-t ' and one of which is a word for a woman?

6. What does a dog do that you can step into?

7. What four-letter word begins with 'f' and ends with' k', and if you can't get one you can use your hands?

8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9. What four-letter word ends in 'it ' and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

10. What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the Pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Answers:
1. talk
2. legs
3. a $20 bill
4. firetruck
5. bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
6. pants
7. fork
8. Almond Joy candy bar
9. grit
10. surname

10 Things You'll Never Hear a Man Say:

10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.

Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.