A man dies and unfortunately draws the short straw and is sent to hell. Fearing the worse he approaches the entry gate where he is met by a laughing, joking devil. The man asks why is he so happy to be in such a bad place.

"Oh we have fun down here, today is Monday and it's booze night. We get all the best drink sent in and we all get blind drunk."

The man is impressed and is starting to like what he sees.

"And Tuesday", says the devil, "is sex night. We bring in women and men and have a sex orgy all night."

"Wednesday is drugs night, you name it we have it, we get as high as a kite."

"By the way", says the devil, " are you gay?"

"No" says the man.

"Then you are going to hate Thursdays."

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot of the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom!, he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn it... third gay rooster I bought this month."

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"

How is a woman like a road?

Both have manholes.

Why do elephants have 4 feet?

Because 4 inches isn't enough.

What's the difference between a "Ritz" cracker and a lesbian?

One is a snack cracker, and the other is a crack snacker.

What's the difference between a "Ritz" cracker and a lesbian?

One is a snack cracker, and the other is a crack snacker.

Three guys were traveling on the road and they were tired, so they stopped at a nearby farm. The farmer goes to the first guy "You can sleep with the pigs," to the second guy "You can sleep with the cows," and to the third guy "You can sleep with my 18 lovely daughters."

In the morning, the ranch owner asks the three men how they felt.

The first guy said "like a pig."

The second guy said "like a cow."

The third guy put on a big smile and said "Like a golf ball. I've just been through 18 holes."

How are a woman and a frying pan similar?

You have to get both of them hot before you put the meat in.

What do you call it when you have nuts on your chest?

Chestnuts!

What do call it when you have nuts on your chin?

Blow-Job!

10 Things You'll Never Hear a Woman Say:

10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Dating Hints for Gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"

Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish.