Men's Ultimate Quiz …

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times.... YOU DA MAN!!!!

What If Women Ruled the World …

....Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

....PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

....Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

...Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

...A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

.....Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

....Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

...."Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

....Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

....Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

....Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."

....Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

....Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

....Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

....Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

....Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

....Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

...Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

....All toilet seats would be nailed down.

....Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

....TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

....All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

....During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.

....Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

....After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

....For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

How To Decide Who To Marry …

HOW TO DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (as answered by primary school students)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (Alan, age 10)

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. (Kirsten, age 10)

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. (Camille, age 10)

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. (Freddie, age 6)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, like maybe if they were yelling at the same kids. (Derrick, age 8)

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. (Lori, age 8)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. (Lynnette, age 8)

On the first date they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Martin, age 10)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. (Craig, age 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. (Pam, age 7)

The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. (Curt, age 7)

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should Marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. (Howard, age 8)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. (Anita, age 9)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? (Kelvin, age 8)

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. (Ricky, age 10 )

Here Kitty Kitty …

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

Men's 10 Rules of Housecleaning …

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. If disturbed, dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands," and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5, and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain away the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident. I haven't had the heart to clean it."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean, and I still don't get anywhere."