What Women Really Want ...

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: The princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.

In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.

She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...

He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!

Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.

What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her, (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH

A few rules for what MEN can and cannot wear at a private pool.

1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:

a) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.

b) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.

c) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1 and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.

d) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.

f) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool … thank you very much!

2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your boys hidden.

3) No thongs under any circumstances.

4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.

20 Reasons Why a Quickie Beats Marathon Sex

1. No repetitive-stress injuries.

2. Knocks out insomnia faster than two tabs of Tylenol PM and a Bud tallboy.

3. Two words: less sweat.

4. On deadline? No problem!

5. Saves on batteries.

6. No guilt associated with saying, "I think it's time for you to go home now."

7. Two more words: stress reduction.

8. Makes for an interesting elevator ride.

9. Won't ruin your lipstick.

10. Great way to kill time while stuck in traffic on the way to the beach (if you don't mind rubberneckers).

11. Sometimes you just don't want your toes sucked.

12. You don't have to worry about remembering your partner's name.

13. Performance anxiety? What's that?

14. It's something to do while talking to your parents on the phone.

15. Doesn't give you enough time to notice he or she smells bad.

16. You don't have to suffer the embarrassment of having an orgasm in front of someone you hardly know.

17. You can have your after-sex cig in the cab. That is, after having sex in the cab.

18. A line doesn't form outside the bathroom at the party.

19. Dinner doesn't get cold.

20. Pillow talk? What's that!

Medieval Pick-Up Lines

- "Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?"

- "Been there, slain that."

- "What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"

- "They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."

- "When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched."

- "Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor."

- Wench: "What's that sound?" Knight: "That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding."

- "Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"

- "Your hovel or mine?"

- "Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?"

- "Dost thou practice safe hex?"

- "Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."

- "I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart."

- "You should be glad I'm not a Viking."

- "You would have been ravaged and plundered by now."

- "I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"

- "Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?"

- "You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on it!!"

- "I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?"

- "My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it."

- "I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and...er...PUNISH me, now won't you?"

- "You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down."

- "I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."

- "C'mon, sweetie...didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away."

- "I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"

What my Daddy Told Me…

Daddy told me long ago,
"Son, don't play with your dick.
Your teeth will rot, your nose will grow,
It's sure to make you sick."

"Your palms will get all hairy,
Or so I've heard it said.
You'll grow up to be a fairy,
Just like your uncle Ned."

"Your bones will crack, your skin will crawl,
Your back will always ache.
You won't grow more than four feet tall.
Your knees will start to shake."

"Your tongue will get all mushy,
Your hair will all turn green,
And then you'll lose your tushy,
Before you turn thirteen."

"Your ears will flop, your eyes will cross,
Your crotch will start to smell.
Your brain will turn to applesauce.
You'll die and go to hell."

"And if they ask me how you died,
I'll tell them you were sick.
But in my heart I'll know I lied.
It's 'cause you pulled your prick!"

Daddy went to work this morn,
And Mommy's in the kitchen.
I think I'll get out Daddy's porn,
And give myself a twitchin'.

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Heaven's New Policy

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Bad Case of the Stutters

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha.. what is my pro.. pro.. problem."

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant." The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant.

Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter.

At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back."

The doctor shook his head and replied, "That's im.. im.. im.. impo.. impossible."

What Are Politics?

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"

His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am Capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is Government. The Government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his diaper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed.

The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad I know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while Capatilism is screwing the working class, the Government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

Fix This

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"