Token of Christmas:

Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something Christmassy.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

He answered, "They're Carol's."

Signs of Trouble in Santa's Marriage…

10) He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students.

9) Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear."

8) He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed.

7) He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized holiday Barbie.

6) His new live-in person elf valet, Steve.

5) Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey.

4) He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake because he's bugged the bedroom.

3) Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee.

2) Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace.

1) Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants.

The Little Angel Atop the Christmas Tree

Santa was very upset.  It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right! Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies.  The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.  The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.  To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious.  "I can't believe it!  I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!"

He continued,  "And I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet!  What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him.

He said,  "Yo, fat man!  Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree  came to pass........

A Nasty Night Before Christmas…

'Twas the night before Christmas, and gee it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nookie, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Shoved a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts."

"Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee."
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.

50 condoms, a G-string and all kinds of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolph. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about nookie is that you can't wear it out!"

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart.  As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note:  romantic, but not too personal.  Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.  Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:  "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart."

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again."

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing."

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.  All my love."

"P.S.  The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."