Slang Definitions:

Aussie Kiss
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Beaver Leaver
or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.

Budgie's Tongue
or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punch bag. The female erection.

Double Bass
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Etch-A-Sketch
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

Frigmarole
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

Greyhound
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Hand-to-Gland Combat
A vigorous masturbation session.

Hefty Cleft
or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top. Description of a very large vagina.

Millennium Domes
The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

Picasso Arse
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Sperm Wail
or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

Starfish Trooper
or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.

2-Bagger
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

Titanic
A lady who goes down first time out.

Signs, she is Getting Bored Having Sex with You

* After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

* Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

* Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

* Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

* Only moans during commercial breaks.

* Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

* Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

* Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

* You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

* Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

* During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."

* Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

* Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

* Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

* Keeps asking, "Are you sure you're not gay?"

* Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating.

* Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

* Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

* She yells out her own name.

* Bangs her head on the headboard before you begin.

Should You Get Married?

Women who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage:

* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help with his laundry?

* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult bookstore?

* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island" at least four times?

* Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair?

* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets?

* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?

* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial Strength?"

* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?

Things to do With a Dead Pecker:

1. Insert bulb and use as flashlight.

2. Fill with ink and use as bingo dabber.

3. Fill with Frosting and squeeze to decorate cake.

4. Use it as a decoration to hang from your rearview mirror.

5. Hang a dried out one inside an upside-down clay pot for an interesting bell. Gives new meaning to the phrase "ding dong."

6. Nail it to the wall and use it for a coat rack.

7. In a pinch, poke extra holes in the end and replace shower nozzle.

8. Conversation piece on the coffee table ("Oh, that's just Ronald when he was in his prime...").

9. Redneck girl's toothpick holder.

10. Dip it in candied apple glaze and make an all day sucker out of it.

11. Fill with Vicks and use as a nose inhaler.

12. Fill it up with plaster of Paris and use it as a microphone while singing the Lorena Bobbitt song.

13. Stick a Mickey mouse head on the tip, slit the dick horizontally, insert a spring in the bottom, and use as a Pez dispenser.

14. Soak in it Starch, let it dry, and use it as a dildo.

15. To induce vomiting.

16. Use it as a nozzle to provide a steady stream on your garden hose.

17. Nail it to the wall and hang your coffee mug on it.

Q. What do you get with a corduroy condom?
   A. A groovy kind of love.

Men Are Like ...

Men are like department stores... their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations... they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Dad Eats Lightbulbs

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats lightbulbs.

"How do you know that?" asks his teacher.

"I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said 'If you turn out the light, I'll eat that thing.'"

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank-you notes to write.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two-letter words that denote small?
Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.

Free Sex Contestants

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7", said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8, " replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."