Resignation Letter:

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others.

You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.

Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Spending Your Life Single

PART I

13) Although you know the batting average of every New York Yankee, you can't remember your girlfriend's dress size or the color of her eyes... or her name.

12) Let's put it this way: In the "Mr. Hairy Back" pageant, you wouldn't have to settle for the congeniality award.

11) The makers of "Frozen Meals For One" made you their "Customer of the Year" -- again.

10) In your world, nothing says "I love you" like a head butt.

9) You suggest the topic "Top Signs You're Going to Spend the Rest of Your Life Single," mistakenly thinking that your equally-hopeless fellow contributors might give you some clue as to what you're doing wrong.

8) The 6-inch pumps and leather mini may be a bit too risqué to wear on first dates, mister.

7) Larry Flynt sends you a letter asking you to put the magazine down, go outside, and get some fresh air.

6) Back in high school you were voted "Most likely to die alone, in a big-empty house."

5) Klingon, unfortunately, is not a very romantic language.

4) You'll master the art of meeting women as soon as they make a PlayStation game about it.

3) None of your 23 cats *ever* likes your boyfriend.

2) Your version of foreplay: Drop the remote, brush the Cheetos out of your chest hair, and belch "Come to papa!"

1) Who has time for dating when you're building a life-size Spock out of Legos?

PART 2

13) The last time *you* got a piece of ass was due to some sub-standard toilet paper.

12) Instead of "Occupant", your junk mail is addressed to "Loser."

11) It may be an attention-getter, but no guy wants a girlfriend who looks exactly like Dustin Hoffman.

10) Snatching a grape off a block of ice with your buttcheeks may have had the whole frat house laughing back in college, but it doesn't seem to be much of a hit with your date here at Starbucks.

9) You're ALREADY in line for "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace."

8) Your HMO has ruled your vasectomy falls under the category of "unnecessary surgery."

7) Three words: rm weiner tattoo.

6) Numbers 12 through 9 on this list made you sigh, number 8 made your eye twitch, and by now you're bawling like crazy.

5) You know that 1% of men for whom Viagra *doesn't* work? Bingo.

4) Nights are so lonely that you watch "Nightline" in hopes of catching a wisp of Madeline Albright's thigh.

3) Even after years of therapy, you still wear your "cheese pants" because "chicks dig 'em."

2) No woman can ever seem to make you feel as *alive* as you felt at the TrekMania '74 convention.

1) Once you've had the President, no other man will do.

How to be a Successful Man

Never thrust your sickle into another man's corn.
Don't spread your blanket where a cat's been digging.
Don't skinny-dip with snapping turtles.
Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100 mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year old daughter on your lap.
Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end" when referring or speaking to a woman.
Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.
Never, I say NEVER, pee onto an electric fence.
Don't wear polyester to a weenie roast.
Cow chips need to dry out for a spell before you toss them.
Don't go hunting with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
Never stand between the dog and the hydrant.
Don't stand behind a coughing cow.
Never say anything on the telephone you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.
Never accept a glass of lemonade from a urologist.
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.
Never take a job where the winter winds can blow up your pants.
Don't lick a frozen pump handle.

Why Men Can't Win!

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favour.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.